Relationship Fundamentals: Tips and tricks from our Salty Series event
Hey friend! every single month for the last few months we've been hosting an event or workshop, and since December our panel talks have taken on a whole new format... conversational, informal, cosy.
We gather on the couches at Moment Meditation, sit in a circle, and chat about a particular topic. We invite guests who guide our conversation with their answers to our questions and we let it flow. Just see what happens.
Like every other month we've done this, our event in April was nothing short of magic. We talked about Relationship fundamentals with 4 talented people in our city and they of course, shared a ton of wisdom and tips with us.
So this week I thought I'd share some snippets of the conversation with you, starting with who our panelists are and what the highlight of their day was...
Jordan Gray: I 'm Jordan, I've been a sex and relationship coach for the last 8 years. The highlight of my day was having lunch with my Grandma (who is old as shit) and just sitting and talking with her for an hour and half. Oh, and grabbing my girlfriends thighs in the lobby!
Rachel Ricketts: Im Rachel, known as Ray Ray. I am a grief coach and spiritual activist. The highlight of my day was NOT getting shit done. And being ok with it!
Matt Corker: Knowing that this is a relationship event, I’m going to introduce myself as my relationships. I’m a husband, brother to a professional athlete, son to a divorced (and so thankful they are) parents, and CEO of a people consulting company and what else? The best part of my day was coaching a client - she was not experiencing consistency in her life, which we created clarity on, and she started crying because of it! It really resonated with her.
Taylor Aller: I do a lot of things in the world, but I’m here today because I founded a company with my husband called the Relationship Project. We were tired of seeing cisgender, white, super happy couples in the media and we wanted to change that. So we feature all experiences, races, and types of relationships. We also have an online course, workshops and help people with the foundational aspects of relationships. The best part of my day was having a Cartems donut! I had the lemon poppy seed one which is my favourite. We live all the way out in Burnaby so I never get to have them!
TIPS FOR WORKING WITH POOR MANAGERS:
Matt: If they make a request of you that sounds vague, or uncertain. Your work is to then ask the questions and show them how you need information. That will help them to step into their own potential and offer up the relevant information you need.
So ask them, when do you want this by, in what format? Or, "This is what I do with my own team, would you like to see?"
It has to be an invitation though, not a demand. Managers don't like to be told what to do, and there is a hierarchy at play.
Sara (guest): People always expand into the space you provide for them. So if you give them the space in which to be better, they will step into it and fill that space. Act in the way that you want them to act and they will mimic it.
Rachel: We don't talk enough about the fact that we spend more time with the people we work with, than we do with our family. Those relationships we have with people at work are arguably the most important relationships we have. Because of that, it's really important we engage in those relationships in the same we do with our family. We need to set the same boundaries. We do have control over our jobs and our days, even though it doesn't always feel Like it because we're worried about our livelihood, we have control. Maybe your highest expansion is leaving, and maybe that's your managers highest expansion too. You are choosing to be in that relationship and we forget that we have that choice sometimes.
ON WHAT CAN KILL ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS:
Jordan: The thing that kills a relationship honestly is people getting into the wrong relationships for who they are. I love the model of asking yourself: who am I, where am I going, where do I want to end up? And most people ask themselves those questions in the exact opposite order. They think about where they want to end up.
Start by identifying who you are, and what matters to you – what are your core values?
From there it's about being with a person who understands that you are both semi chiselled pieces of marble, and you need to be in a relationship where you understand that together you will bump into each other for years and chisel each other into even better versions of each other.
Taylor: Like holding the mirror up to each other right? Showing each other your flaws and helping you to work on them, better them, and smooth them out – together. There's always something new to be working on.
Jordan: Another big identifier then is the people who don't move at the same pace of development as each other, or those people who aren't willing to make progress together. There's a huge gap between someone obsessing over something arbitrary and something that is one of their core values that isn't aligned with the other person. If you're not going in the same growth direction, or the same projectory then yeh it's not gonna work.
HOW AND WHY WE AVOID THE HARD CONVERSATIONS; PARTICULARLY SURROUNDING LOSS AND GRIEF
Rachel: Grief is a doorway to grace. We say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and that's crap. What doesn't kill you can sometimes kill you! It's the hardest work you will ever do, but people don't recognize or see that it can lead to grace. Everything is a choice. We don't like that. We like to sit in our excuses.
We don't wanna do the work!
We've been sold the notion that what we need is outside of us and we can buy things to fix our problems, and then happiness will happen. But it's a lie. We have everything we need, we just need to do the work. And we, as a society, aren't talking about it. We don't talk about the work and tough shit and see that there can be happiness, joy, and grace on the other side. but if we're not having those conversations then we don't see it.
Jake (guest): What about in other cultures?
Rachel: Oh our culture is the most fucked. From the research I've done so far, the knock off impact of how we deal with grief now started in World War 2 after the Blitz. There was bombing in Britain for 52 days straight. So mass death in the epicentre of a global western hub; a place that was densely populated. And Churchill and Queen Victoria had to find a way to deal with it, they had to find a way to keep the country functioning. So, they created propaganda that helped the rest of the world think that everyone was banding together and feeling awesome.
Thank you so much again to our lovely speakers, and if you want to join us at event here in Vancouver, keep an eye on our events page, or sign up for our mailing list! We'll make sure you know about all of our events over there.